I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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