Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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