you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
