Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
