I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize