I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
