I need to stop coming to work sober
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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