so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
