i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
