weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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