my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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