If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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