Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
