I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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