I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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