i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
