He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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