I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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