census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
