first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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