it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize