I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
