so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
