My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
