a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
