Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He kissed a someone with a penis
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
