i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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