my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Randomize
