I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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