You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
