I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
