I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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