So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
