I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
