I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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