is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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