I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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