hell yes lets make some ravioli
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
