Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
