I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
