I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
