I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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