brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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