i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think I sprained my soul last night
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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