If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
