So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
