then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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