It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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