I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
