Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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