i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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