He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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