: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
