I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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