I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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