Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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