How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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