You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
